I guess decisions get made pretty quickly. I heard somewhere or read somewhere that we make all our decisions faster than our mind can register and all the following indecisiveness and not knowing what to do or say is us just trying to rationalize the decision we already made on a subconscious level.
I think that’s true. I think I made up my mind to quit a long time ago and I was just trying to convince myself out of doing it because I’m honestly quite terrified of what might happen to me. I mean, what becomes of you after you quit? Do you wind up a ragamuffin? Are you suddenly preyed upon by old, lonely men with cash?
Who knows. I certainly don’t. And I’ve totally stopped caring. I guess I could’ve seen this coming for a few weeks now. to be honest, I haven’t really been present at work. I mean, I’ve been there. I’m sitting in front of my desk all day. But I am not really there, you know what I mean?
It’s like the Jackie I know and am has totally drifted off to another dimension and it’s this totally strange autopilot person who looks like Jackie who is doing all this typing and frantically talking to clients and answering questions. OMG, I am really going insane.
Anyway, it’s all over. Well, I haven’t quit quite yet but I know I’m done. I don’t know what lies waiting for me once the paycheck stops coming in, but it can’t be worse than this.
Even if I do end up on MTV as the featured sugar baby – hey, at least I’ll be shopping. God, what I wouldn’t do for some free time to frolic about. It’s pretty ridiculous, actually. I was watching some show or another while trying to unwind – one of those sugar baby shows – and my roommate’s immediate reaction was like, “OMG. Can you believe those girls? I can’t believe this whole thing with dating old guys. I mean, get some self respect!”
And my own response was like…”Where’s the ‘self respect’ in wearing yourself to the bone working a fulltime, overtime job for pretty much no compensation? Aren’t we pretty much getting screwed in the butt every single day?”
She accused me of being really pessimistic as of late. Yea, tell me something I don’t know. I was seriously considering finding myself a sugar daddy.
That’s when you know you’ve changed. That’s when you know you have to do something.
I can’t give my life to this anymore. I don’t give a f*ck about what I do. And that wouldn’t be so bad except I have no time to even take care of myself.
I had no right to get so mad at my bf either. It probably took a lot out of him to even say that. It’s funny – our culture is not that big on honesty. We all say we are, but you’re just not supposed to say things to people you care about, even when they’re really hurting themselves, you know? Like, I automatically got offended when he said I had gained weight even though it’s true. I just wanted to remain in denial of it.
Well, I can’t deny it anymore. I’m totally breaking down. I quit. I quit. I quit!
crazycupcakemonster 